ADHD: Don’t Forget About Hobbes!

With permission, I am sharing key details about my client’s story here.

Claire, (not her real name) is a successful graphic design artist living by herself in a rather large three bedroom unit. She wanted to use this ADHD life coaching session to help decide if she should stay in said place, as she felt it was too expensive. She had only four days to decide, but none of the other places she looked at moving to resonated with her. She explained that her loved ones, including her dad and significant other wanted her to move so she could work on her goal of saving up money to eventually buy her own property. (Her friends wanted her to stay, as her big place was apparently a great place to crash, but I digress.) She had to make a choice: either be comfortable in her current expensive apartment, or take the plunge into the unknown with a cheaper, smaller and more practical place.

Most people with ADHD tend to be paralyzed with decision making since they don’t trust themselves given their history of impulsivity. As a person with ADHD, I could relate to this and Claire was no different. As a life coach, we are ethically not advice givers and we’re more of partners and brain stormers. So we probe a little, bringing the discussion to understanding what’s important to her about this decision. Much of the dialogue with Claire in the next 20 or so minutes focused on “what others might think” or “the responsible thing to do”. Moreover, the pressure from having only 4 days left to decide created an aura of toxicity around her. Her anxiety was clearly pointed in the direction of moving out.

The turning point came in when we went to talk about one crucial factor in the issue: her pets. When a devastating event in the past plunged her into depression, these pets became her therapy animals and got her through the dark times. While she is past the brunt of these struggles, the role her pets play in her emotional stability remains. This is important because it’s much harder and pricier to look for a place that accommodates her pets, which is why she had the dilemma in the first place. As we stayed in this space, she noticeably went from her anxious state to one of peace. She calmly said “While I admit that sometimes I wish I didn’t have my pets, I just couldn’t imagine letting go of them.”

She decided to keep her current place. It wasn’t that saving money or having her own property someday was not important to her. But at this moment, the cost of moving would have been too steep. We instead briefly explored the idea of how she might save more money, or find ways to earn more.

At this point, I mentioned to her that I saw a shift between the adult who was struggling to please everyone and display a “responsible image” and the genuine Claire who cared deeply and understood who she was. She always had this in her, but her want to confirm so much to these other voices, well-intentioned as they may be, had blindsided her to what was truly important.

In this calm space, I asked if I could share a fan-made comic that reminded me so much of this moment. (Original source is unknown but this made it in a good number of places online, and it’s an awesome adaptation of Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson):

Disclaimer: I am not against medication. I actually think it’s important for many people with ADHD to take them (with a whole heart) . However, the message here is that more than our capacity to do, it’s our compass that we need to be more mindful of. As the great author Stephen Covey once said, “It doesn’t really matter how fast you’re going if you’re heading in the wrong direction.”

However, I like it better the way Claire put it: “Aww… don’t forget about Hobbes!”

(A moment of silence as a few tears were mutually shed here.)

While there are definitely times to take the plunge and to break the barriers of fear, there are also times to listen to the very core of who we are. For some of us, perhaps we’ve been dreading our old apartment for so long but the gravity of familiarity is just too strong to take any actions forward. Other times, as in Claire’s case, we often put so much focus on what others may think of us that we forget what’s actually important to us. What life coaching does oftentimes, is not to do the seemingly responsible thing. Sometimes, it’s just remembering Hobbes.

Is there a Hobbes that you need to remember? A 15 minute consultation is free with Coach John at https://neurodevcoach.com